Man City vs Wolves called off after Kyle Walker unleashes six STIs during first half

Manchester City's Premier League clash with Wolverhampton Wanderers was called off this evening after an act of "biological terrorism" from Blues defender, Kyle Walker.

A few minutes into the first half, the 30-year-old England national, seemingly exhausted and thirsty after a few minutes of trying and failing to keep up with the rest of the indomitable City squad, took a large gulp of water, only to then spit it all over the pitch like it was the 1990s and he was WWE wrestler, Triple H.

Concerns quickly grew among the health professionals in the stadium, on hand to deal with any incidents relating to the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic, but not about the potential spread of any coronavirus by Walker's spitting fit. Rather, a warning came from one of the team's doctors familiar with Walker's medical history.

Known as much for his sexual exploits as his footballing prowess, Walker is, according to the team's docto, host to at least six sexually transmitted infections, three of them contracted during lockdown at one of his infamous sex parties. Walker's spit, said the club doctor, could very well have infected everyone within a two-mile radius with gonorrhoea, syphilis or even worse.

Accordingly, the game was called off at half-time so everyone in the stadium could be tested. City will feel hard done by, having led 1-0 and on course for a 21st victory in a row.