"FFP says nothing about bribes", claims Sheikh Mansour

Man City owner Sheikh Mansour has hit back at critics, by pointing out that Financial Fair Play regulations don’t explicitly state that bribery is prohibited.

Nowhere in the regulations does it say that a club can't bribe its way into the Champions League by offering corrupt UEFA officials a suitcase full of cash," Mansour laughed to reporters, as he burned a £50 note in front of them.

"And anyway, nobody can actually prove that I bribed UEFA," the Sheikh continued, before blowing his nose on a fiver. "There’s just circumstantial evidence that after we were caught breaking some silly rules, UEFA let us off in the same week that their officials have been seen flying in and out of my palace on private jets.

"And what sort of peasant can't afford a private jet," the Sheikh scoffed. "Certainly not UEFA staff – well not nowadays, anyway. They seem to have come into a lot of money," Mansour giggled hysterically, soaking up tears of laughter with a bundle of tenners.

The Sheikh concluded his statement by offering the reporters present an all-expenses paid golf trip to Abu Dhabi, on the minor condition that they defend any of his wrongdoings in the press and keep schtum about the private jets.

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